• Diva-isms •

Squid: Usually young biscuit or hottie Diva riding a crotch rocket like they are Nicky Hayden at Laguna Seca

Crotch Rocket: Also know as Sportbike or in most cases, Diva’s best friend of the battery operated kind.

P.O.A: Piece of Ass. Your clown or hub-cap won’t catch on so quickly to this handy acronym.  “Hey Diva, check out the POA on that bobber!”

Big Twins: Technically the engines in the larger Harley-Davidson® bikes but most clowns refer to them as boobs, big boobs usually aftermarket big boobs!

Aftermarket: Companies that sell products other than original equipment manufacturers or as noted above your friendly neighborhood plastic surgeon.

Walk of Shame: A daring escape after a one night stand, desperately trying to look “pretty” in the same party outfit you wore the night before, reeking of booze breath and mascara running down your cheeks! The walk of shame is best done before sunrise to avoid contact with joggers and other clean living folk!

Sleaze Bag: A Diva must have! A small, easily concealable bag of “Divassentials”….toothbrush & toothpaste, Scope, the morning after pill, moist towelettes, eye make-up remover, a floppy hat and dark sunglasses. Keep handy and use right before you do the “Walk of Shame”…to avoid looking like a complete slut.

Biscuit: Hot young thang, preferably under the age of 35 with ripped abs and a tight ass. See Jason on the “Divas and Hotties” page!

Clown: Any member of the male species at any given moment.

Hottie: A biscuit that has grown up!

Bevies: Cocktails, drinky drinks, life blood.

Adult Supervision: Your spouse, life partner, old man, boyfriend, ball and chain…the person that you have to act like an angel around. All hell breaks loose without it.

Shenanigans: What happens when you don’t have adult-supervision.

Schmagaggled: See blowing a 2.5! Shit-faced, hammered, falling down drunk, wasted and well on your way to a miserable hangover.

Shimmy: The language you speak when you are Schmagaggled.

Party outfit: This is the outfit you "think" you look stunning in, and you did…the first 10 times you wore it to various parties…but come on now, time to go shopping. It's time to part ways with the leopard dress, half shirts and anything with fringe! Sweetheart, push down socks went out in the eighties.

Lucky Shirt: Mass cleavage. This shirt gets you free drinks, dinners, fur coats, VIP treatment, front row seats at your favorite concert, and a host of other fabulous benefits…men can’t concentrate and thank god they fall so easily for this ploy…truly a weapon of mass destruction!

Drunk Dialing: While blowing a 2.5 you have the incredible urge to call everyone you know and spew incoherent nonsense to them at 3 am. Most of us need to check our call log the following morning to see who we drunk dialed. Often times you profess your undying love for EVERYONE you know over and over again! Embarrassing! Note to self: Avoid drunk dialing exes, nothing good can come out of this scenario!

“I got hit in the eye with a racquet ball”: It was an extremely rough night, you feel like the cat shit in your mouth, there is not enough water in the world to cure your dehydration, and your wet brain is in a vice. Basically you can’t function properly to perform up to your employer’s stringent standards. Call your supervisor and use this handy statement as an excuse for a sick day.

“I’m going to Cincinnati”: Life has got you down, you simply can’t cope with all the drama, perhaps there is a stalker in your life. “I’m going to Cincinnati and not quite sure when I will be returning”, is a perfectly acceptable statement to leave on your answering machine. It’s specifically vague enough to keep everyone scratching their heads!

“Nicely done…”: A statement made by your friends to you when you have royally F *#@&* D up.

Blowing a 2.5: Extremely high blood alcohol level also know as drunk, Schmagaggled, hammered, shit-faced…you know what I’m talking about.

Here’s a balloon: Bug off clown, go bother someone else. Git, Be gone, back off

Here's your hat!: Statement usually offered by someone who you thought was pretty cool but leaves you standing at a bar with two drinks in your hand while he is making tire tracks in the parking lot. And he usually has your wallet and ID. And feels free to call you in two weeks from Aspen with his newly acquired wife and bambino.

"F.O.A.D.": Usually comes in letterform, as in REJECTION! F#*& OFF AND DIE! Now known as F.O.A.D. (Pronounced FOE-ADD). See examples below:

Shiny new engagement ring from Tiffany's-NO, We need to nip this in the Bud-YES

Harvard University-NO, Saddleback Community College-YES

I'm getting married-YES, To you-NO

VP position at Fortune 500 Company-NO, Bar-back at Hooter's™ -YES…Get our drift!

Diva Down: First girl who falls off the party train, face first. Usually has failed "Diva in Training 101" (mandatory course). In other words, 21-year-old wannabe's out with the more seasoned Divas.

Diva in Distress: The Diva that started out with a makeover from MAC ™ but by the end of the evening looks like Alice Cooper due to pending Diva Meltdown. Bad news was definitely delivered. You knew it was coming you put mascara on anyway. Same girl…. different face.

In the tank: Serious alcohol abuse (drunk tank), you know you are going in, you know you can't swim, you do it anyway. Action often taken during Diva Meltdown, or on a Thursday night AKA school night…you go in deep, headfirst. No lifeguard on duty. There is usually a test tube full of pretty colored poison involved; handed to you by a babe with bigger boobs… who is still laughing at you. See Schmagaggled only worse.

Dover, NH: Place where clown hides for a week when he gives you the 5 AM F.O.A.D. phone call or see "Nipped in the bud!" (Below)

We need to nip this in the bud: See F.O.A.D. or what chicken shit clowns say after three "dates" when they fear commitment. See the 3 "F" Rule.

The Palace: The place where the ultimate in Shenanigans occurred during the early Diva days.

Second Fiddle: Unsolicited award given to Divas who are told they are absolutely fabulous but are there to simply fill gaps/voids in other more prominent relationships. SEE F.O.A.D., SEE DIVA MELTDOWN, SEE DIVA IN DISTRESS, SEE THIS WEBSITE.

ROD: Secret Diva code for mystery men, old flames, boyfriends, etc…

The 3 "F" Rule: First time is a one night stand, Second time he is interested, Third time it's a relationship…are you hearing us clowns? This is how we think, if you don't like it…have a balloon! (See "Here's a balloon")

Fang: "Hi Divas, this is my new friend Enrique, isn't he HOT? He's from Kentucky!" Now for a reality check, your beer goggles are in full force, his name is Joe, he has bad chops and he is busboy for the dive bar your are currently frequenting. You leave other divas scratching their heads in disgust! All "Joes" from here on out are now known as FANG.

The Local Five: The five best damn local dive bars in the world, located in San Clemente, California. Now Diva code for any favorite watering hole in your hood.

Chips/Chops: AKA Teeth, Brush 'em clowns. A little Scope™ and Colgate™ before bed die-bye time can't hurt your chances…oh yeah, and it's every 6 MONTHS to the dentist, not every 6 years!

HUBCAP; You have made it legal; he is no longer your fiancé, Prince Charming or your boyfriend.

Cosmo: A two for…Favorite Diva drink and favorite Diva bible as in Cosmopolitan™. Divas DO NOT let your HUBCAPS or clowns read this bible, gives them an unfair advantage.

Bitter: See FOAD, Dover, NH, Second Fiddle, Here's your Hat and Nipped in the Bud…then tell us how YOU'D feel!

PS: Palm Springs, Diva Spa getaways sans clowns especially when you are feeling bitter.

School Night: Monday through Thursday on any given week. These are the evenings best to avoid “The Tank”. It is simply no fun having the alarm clock blaring in your ear at 5:30 am knowing that you have to perform work related duties with a crippling hangover.

The Shoe: Discarded, booted, dumped, denied. For example; “Timmy took me out for a fabulous dinner, told me about his pending nuptials with his new girlfriend, and then gave me the shoe!”